Today is my 44th birthday.

I don’t particularly feel 44. I’ve never been one to follow the philosophy that you’re only as old as you feel though, either. Because I could say I feel 19 again – no need for me to go relive those days.

As I looked in the mirror this morning just out of the shower, I took stock, as I do every year, of how my body has changed. I still don’t’ have any grey hair, so I’ve let my natural red shine through a bit more than usual. I have a few more wrinkles around my eyes and the corners of my mouth. My mother says it’s from laughing, but I don’t remember doing much of that lately. As I let my eyes move lower, I take in my breasts. They still sit high on my chest, which I’m proud of. Some women my age are crying for a lift from their significant others by the time the 40th birthday rolls around.

My stomach is flat, and my hips have a bit of a flare to them. I’ve always had an issue with my thighs, but that’s nothing new. Even when I was a dancer and men stared I had an issue. Turning to the side, I look at my ass and smile at the rounded curve it still has. And finally, I raise a leg and extend it over the edge of the tub. Still long and elegant, still reminiscent of my years of dancing.

I stare into my own eyes for a long while, then blink slowly and make my own year’s resolution. I’ve never told anyone of this ritual, and it’s the same promise every year.

I will not do anything to jeopardize my family. I will put my daughter first. And I will continue to do my job with as much integrity and grace as possible. Shrugging on my robe, I make my way to the bedroom to dress and face another year.

Date:	2007-02-20 23:11
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

Sometimes - sometimes - it's hard to think back on some of the things I've done and seen in my life. I don't think that many people (male or female) can say that they know ex-cocaine users who used to strip for money to support the man who was abusing them, then secretly hoarded the money for school to get a job working for the law.

Yeah, not many people at all.

Yet, with everything I've done, I still don't feel like I've done enough. I don't feel like I've lived enough. I do a job that not many people can. Not many women do it. What else is left? What haven't I done that would make me feel like my life has been fulfilled?